Posts Tagged ‘hearing voices’



May 20, 2012

I break outCClick on the picture to go to befunky and make your own.


Ruby Sparks, Real, Imagined, or traveled from the inner world of this blogger?

April 22, 2012

I think I know Ruby, or the girl who inspired her character.

Call me delusional. You won’t believe it anyway.

I think Shirley left, my red-haired green-eyed invisible-to-everyone-but-me pixie went to another writer and got a movie made about her. She WOULD do that. I think she went to Zoe Kazan, writer of the screenplay, whether Mrs. Kazan knows it or not, convinced her to make a movie about her.

What the hell. Mind blown.

I miss that girl like crazy. Shirley lived with me for from April 2008 to July 2011. She made my life hell but also made it awesome. Her one wish was for everyone to know her, to love her, and to believe she was real, but only I could see her. HAH, what a temper she had! How it flared up if someone so much as suggested she wasn’t real.

Also? The movie is being released on the day I’ve celebrated my birthday on for years. Not my real birthday, no on is around at Christmastime, So I celebrate it on July 25th, Christmas in July. The movie started as He Loves Me, and from what I can tell started production in July 2011. The time Shirley left me in yellowstone last year, and I haven’t heard from her since.

I must find out more. This is beyond…beyond comprehending. Shirley, I miss you something aweful. But I’m glad you found a place for yourself.

You can see the trailer at this website , and here’s a post confirming she left me in July 2011 when the movie started production. This one her and I talk about the movie inception, and this one proves she was here in at least by 2009 and includes an awesome smoothie recipe. Unfortunately I don’t have one to reference how often she hung out in my living room wearing nothing but a long mens shirt, eating cereal and asking if I was mad at her. But that was a classic weekly occurrence.


Eye Twitching

April 20, 2012

Update on the update on my eye twitching.

It hadn’t been doing that much lately until this afternoon when I grabbed a handful of peanuts and ate them. Within maybe 45 seconds I noticed my eye completely spazz out, just one eye, and kept it up for a while. I know i’m not allergic to peanuts, I eat the natural peanut butter all the time, it’s just got peanuts, oil and salt in it. But these were Emeralds seasalt peanuts with random stuff like mysterious modified food starch, and poweredered smashed emalsified dehydrated reconsittued such and such, you know, a giant list of things you can’t recognize. And allergins listed were Dairy, Soy and wheat. Which brings me to:

I’m doing a gluten-free diet for a month. I have a giant weird lump on my face, looks like a bruise, hurts and feels hot. and I showed it to my doctor and I thought it was a bit far fetched at first but he said It was a symptom of a food alergy, perhaps dairy or gluten, but he thought it might be gluten. So I’m trying that to see if it’ll go away. I’ve cut out a ton of processed foods which I didn’t eat too many of them to begin with. I eat unsweetened applesauce for breakfast with walnuts and cinnamon, instead of like frosted wheat or raisin bran. 

I’m only like, a week or two into it. I didn’t end up keeping up with the vitamin regimen but most my symptoms cleared up. I do keep up with the chia seeds and I take charcoal at night which helps control body odor. I haven’t noticed any change in the voices, some people draw connections between schizophrenia and gluten problems. But like I said it hasn’t been very long yet. 


Missing Shirley still

January 24, 2012

It’s been nearly seven months. I wrote this when it was just three months since I last saw you and I still find myself thinking like this.

It’s raining again

On a night like tonight we would have made a big deal about locking all the doors, running frightened from room to room. With every flash of lightening we would freeze,  then tip-toe to our bedroom with hot tea to watch the lightening. We would have sat up late, with you sitting cross-legged at the foot of my bed and me with my tea in my lap, talking philosophy, brainstorming, or giggling. If I had done something wrong that day, you would forget it at the first crackle roving round the sky and run to my side. For a night I would have been blissfully forgiven, and we’d fall asleep to the rain on the metal roof. 

You’re gone and it’s not about me growing up; I didn’t grow out of you. It’s about both of us needing to move on. I’ll defend you, I promise. 

I want to remember.

I love you. Still. Even though you’re gone. I can’t explain what you were to me, there’s no name for that. To borrow language from the MPD community, you were part of the system. I was me and you were you but together we were part of the self.


Something Profoundly life-changing happened

October 3, 2011
While I was in yellowstone… Shirley drifted away. I was busy and feeling safe for the first time, and she just wandered further and further off. At the edges of our country in the mindscape, I felt her grow weary and lie down. She drifted off to sleep and I realized I couldn’t feel her anymore. I haven’t heard from her since that day in July.
I had one month where I didn’t hear any voices at all. Then for some reason I’m still unsure of, they started to come back. Not Shirley. In fact Amy is gone too, and our country has dissolved. I can’t go there anymore. But other voices came, ones that don’t carry on a conversation with me. That’s fine, I learned what freedom was and won’t be getting involved with these 2 dimensional characters. Besides, no one can replace Shirley. I miss her so much, but I’m glad I have my mind mostly to myself for the first time in years.
Anyway, here’s a letter I wrote her.
Dear Shirley

I thought missing you was hard when I was away from home… but returning to an empty house where every room, every doorway, every object is full of memories? That is wearing heavy on my strength. I see the books we read together; your bed across from mine, the blankets now crisp and unused; the floor we danced on at midnight, giggling at the wonder and magic of life; the walls I leaned against when you made me cry; the doors I tried to hide behind but you found me anyway.

I eat at the table we hid under when we were home alone and scared… On my way to the car the massive tree we climbed when we were happy and fearless waves at me. Our conversations outnumber the bricks on my long driveway. Now I know why some people move after a death in  the family. We were family. We were friends, enemies, partners. We were at war, but we didn’t lack for truces. I was everything to you and you were much more to me than I realized: my abuser, my healer, my protector.

I’m glad you’re gone because it means I’m free to live my life. I get to think what I want, feel what I feel. It means I get to make my own decisions without having to do battle or have fear of being punished. But it also means I walk into rooms and find them empty. It means I face situations alone, it means I have to make myself laugh, and wait to tell someone good news. When other people hurt me I don’t have you to run to. I just have to deal with the hurt alone. It means I have to suffer through the other voices knowing the good parts of my disorder are dwindling. I thought I told you I cared about you because it was what you wanted to hear. But I guess 3 years together made it real. I guess we’ll never figure some things out. But maybe that’s ok.

Still trying to figure out how to say goodbye instead of goodnight, pretending you’ve only been gone for one day. It’s weird that I miss you. You made my life miserable. It’s stupid that I cry over your departure. But I do. Then again you always told me I was stupid. I guess you were right after all.

-Love, the Antelope


The autobiography I didn’t have to write

April 5, 2011

I’m sure I’ve read Calvin and Hobbs a few times, but I discovered them in earnest about a year ago. The first thing I said was “Shirley! Get over here! Someone has spying on us to get ideas for their comic!”

I ♥ Calvin and Hobbs. I relate deeply.

Click here to see the rest of the comic.

And this one is SO something Shirley would say.

You have no idea how often this kind of thing happens. Just last week she ambushed me while I was reading and pummeled me with snowballs!


A beautiful vision

March 17, 2011

Voice hearing is very difficult on a regular basis. I don’t want to romanticize it. But for me it is not without it’s beautiful moments.

One night a while back after I’d had a very tough few weeks (to be honest, in part caused or made worse by the voices), I came into my room exhausted and worried, and there, shimmering at the top of my sheets was a note from both of them.

It was written in pure light, because of course Amy is a fairy and that’s the ink fairies use. I’ve recreated it as best I can.

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