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Who Am I?

January 24, 2012

Simple. I’m the girl with problems. I’m the one who ______.

Fill in the blank. That’s how I think of myself. My identity comes from the things that are wrong with me, the things that hold me back from the world or catapult me far deeper into it than I ever wanted to go.

Who am I? I am one of many.

Shirley said I was young and nieve and was going to get hurt if I didn’t listen to her. Amy said I was stronger than I thought, but still needed her. Sarah said I was a witch and deserved to die. Bella said I had a mental illness. Dawn, well, Dawn never spoke, but I was her only hope and I couldn’t actually help her. Chester loves me dearly, but he is a cat.

Clarity is the only one who lives with me anymore, we just started talking a few weeks ago. I don’t know what she thinks about me, except, like all the rest, she also is here to help me. 

Last week Aslan appeared to me in the middle of a field, the wind dancing on his deep gold fur. I looked into his huge green-gold eyes and held my breath as he spoke. I felt the power in his gentle breathing and couldn’t imagine what a roar would sound like. He told me I was special, not like everyone else. He called me Christian and told me I had a mission. Aslan appeared to me! I saw a cherry tree bloom before my very eyes. All was right in the world. If Aslan though I was somebody then of course I was!

Where do I derive my worth from? Well, if the voices are speaking to me and not anyone else, I must be special. If I don’t need to eat I’m better and stronger than everyone else. If I have a manic episode then the world holds magic for me and no one else, and I am beautiful. That makes me fun and glamorous, worth being friends with. If I feel other people watching me, I must be important. If I’m attacked by a monster and can fight it off, I am strong and significant. If I have visions, I’m a prophetess. If I cut myself, I am at least quite serious about my claims of internal turmoil. Maybe someone would believe me if I had a physical problem.

If I have schizophrenia, then, well, at least I’m interesting.

I’m trying to work on where I get my identity from. I’ve been praying about it. The fact that my newest name is Christian speaks of some progress.

Does this resonate with anyone else?

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