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I don’t want to forget; I don’t want to remember.

February 19, 2011

I just spent an hour on the phone catching up, reminiscing, and talking about movies. We talked about the good times in years past and the bad, and how the the memories still effect us. Flashbacks and dreams seem to be the way the the past edges it’s way back into the present. Once they’re here we don’t quite know what to do with them.

I don’t want to forget, but I don’t really want to remember either. I told another friend something to the same effect: Recovery, to me, doesn’t mean being well enough to pretend nothing happened. But I don’t know what to do with the memories. That’s part of what this blog is for.

Having goals and shaping my future is one of the things that helps me move on. I know if I didn’t have plans for this summer after I graduate, I wouldn’t be so willing to move from day to day. I know my life has the potential to be what it needs to be. What I want it to be.

And just as big as having goals and planning, perhaps even bigger, is learning to enjoy the present; take what you get. Enjoy what you have. There’s a song by Regina Spektor called On The Radio that has a wonderful few lines. “You take the things you like/ then you try to love the things you took and then you take the love you made and you stick it into some/ someone else’s heart/pumping someone else’s blood “

But that still leaves me with the past. It’s hard for me to watch movies like Donnie Darko, or Wristcutters; A love Story. (Very good movies I recommend them both if they won’t be triggering) I had to leave psychology class that one day because I was getting flashbacks from the videos about people with panic disorder or schizophrenia. I sometimes forget how far I’ve come. Other times I marvel at it and I just feel so honored to be here.

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