the death horse

February 8, 2011


when I stop moving my body just trembles in protest. It doesn’t NOT Like being still not ONE bit it doesn’t like it at all not at all. So anyway here i am going a thousand thousand miles and hour. Can someone clock me? no they can’t! because i’m already in Utah! yeah! YEAH! (which is pretty far away, ok? alright? just go with it.)

I seem to seek rythm. it gives a pace to settle into and makes this incessiant energy this inaproxamiate energy that just spills over and does things to me, it gives a sort of path and paces my pulsations of sour energy. It helps. music helps.

I used to go and check my typing speed on nights like this — normally i’m at 60 words per minute, with decent accuracy, well on nights like this I type at 80 or 90 wpm with terrible accuracy, ts horrible horrible, on nights like this i can’t sleep and sometimes I clean the house or i’ll go for walks at 3 AM and it’s not the best idea. the other thing i usually do is cut just so I can calm down and then I go to slep. I don’t have any sleeping pills. but seriously. what is better? a cut that will heal or the possability of getting kidnapped and DYING?! no no i can’t talk alike this, bad, I mean, I’m supposed to be a good example! I AM a good sometimes, do you think i’m good example?

and did I ever tell you  how much I love love love love Paramore? Born For This is an AMAZING song. I’m bouncing around flailing my arms semi-musically like I might be some sort of deranged conductor… it’s fun, good fun,, it’s a good work out, but LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE DEATH HORSE.

Do not try to ride the death horse to your destination. You’re better off walking. The death horse will kill you and take you to hell, which is most definitely NOT your destination, and then you will be not only dead, you’ll be in hell, or just a bad place.

what I mean by death horse is any kind of method that’s unhealthy if you’re riding that unhealthy method towards your goal (say, goal, uh, losing weight. deathhorse= eating disorder/anorexia/bulimia. Bad. that’s a death horse. that’s a friggin whatever those horses from Lord fo teh Rings are called LOTR do you remember those raiths or something? they rode these creepy black horses… anyway for serious this is bad, don’t ythink you can just starve yourself into a healthy body weight… these ideas metastasize and soon you will lose part of yourself just like cancer it’s like a cancer of the mind the ideas behind starving yourself or the ideas that propell an eating disorder)

for serious.

don’t ride the death horse. it will feast on your flesh.

anyway I woke up my mom because I was tapping my foot incessantly on the ground, it’s only about 1:30 though what is she doing in bed trying to sleep!? the whole world is here! still here! people forget! it’s just light! it’s different! when the sun! is down!

anyway she. she saw, she saw my page open I had searched how to deal with mania, and she was like “bla bla bla, you better be looking for ways other than vallium, no help there,” and I said “well I usually only go to alternative sites that don’t even talk about medication except to say to take less of it or that you DO have a choice in taking it and you don’t have to.” and she was like “ok well drink this it has vitamin bs in it, and magnesium supplements because your muscles seem to be out of whack.” (paraphrased) so I did, but I”M RAVIING MAD ABOUt MY  PRIVACY! WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE HAS DOING READING MY PAGES?! who died and made her QUEEN of

and I MIGHT actually be riding the death horse because i’m not entirely letting myself calm down because all I can think of is i’m burning a LOT LOT LOT of calories right now. : I still have alot LOTs of energy but the edge is off, maybe who knows that stuff I drank, or maybe just having something in my stomach I ate some spaghetti form earlier like some you know, it’s something, oh that’s what it’s called it’s called leftovers! anyway, yeah, I drank this stuff called nutritional yeast it’s supposed to feed your health bacteria and balance your blood sugar which is what i usually use it for.


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