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Permission to Hope

December 25, 2010

This is my testimony that things can get better and even stay better. This is your permission to hope. It’s never easy, especially after something so deeply difficult happens, it leaves marks on you. But things can get better. Of course there will be fluctuation, it’s expected that things get better then worse, but when I think about how I am doing this year compared to two years ago, or even just last year... To know you can fall so far then rise again, it’s a humbling experience.

Our low-budget road-trip was a success! (And when I say low-budget I mean my family drove 1300 miles without stopping for a hotel and we ate pears and sandwich meat for most of our meals.) We made it to New York with two days to spare. In addition to our car-full, an old friend of ours also piled into the groom’s tiny apartment. I was shot at from all directions with a marshmallow gun, and then right after that they decided to make tea and light the scented candles so the apartment would smell nice. The wedding was beautiful, of course. People were crying and all that jazz, and the bride’s mother, after meeting me for the first time, told me I could come up and stay with them anytime. And there wasn’t even any alcohol to blame the sudden altruism on!

I have mixed feelings about the fact that Shirley and Amy stayed quiet for most of the trip, but it was nice to be able to fully attend to everything going on around me. Also I got sick on the way home. Trying to drag my heavy, malfunctioning limbs up the stairs, heavy-headed and dizzy, while people (cough. sister in law. cough.) accused me of pretending to be sick to get out of work, provoked a flashback of the early days when I felt like that for months at a time due to my eating disorder. But I got a handle on things fairly quickly and I didn’t even get disoriented. I knew when and where I was the whole time, so that’s an improvement.

Also, I went to NYC to meet Ginny, which was awesome. First off though I have to say, I went through Times Square (you know the one with all the flashing lights and all the people and the giant moving advertisements?) without having a panic attack. The noise and the lights and the hustle and bustle didn’t overload me, although I can’t see myself going there every day. Yay for recovery!

Now back to Ginny. Of course we’ve known eachother for a while, but meeting her for the first time created an interesting paradox. One thing that was different was that we made fun of things/people/ourselves about 10 times faster because we didn’t have to type it out. Then there’s that whole added dimension of actually seeing someone’s face in motion. And loads of other things. I’d forgotten to be nervous which was good because I didn’t have to be. We got lost a few times and the museum I wanted to go to wasn’t open on Mondays, but we had a blast anyway. She was great. And like I said in my last post, it’s just amazing to know something you’ve been wanting, that you hardly dared to believe would happen actually can become a reality with some hard work and prayer.

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