All of this has been going on longer than I thought.

June 17, 2010

Onset of voices and visions and all that was about 14, almost 15. Or so I thought. I remember one thing when I first heard voices in July of 2006, is that they sounded so familiar. That frightened me, and from then on the fear drove me to read too far into everything.

Lately I’ve felt like a great stillness has crawled inside of me to stay for a while. It makes me quieter and reluctant to move, and sometimes I even feel physically cold. It makes time pass strangely, and fills me with the strange brother of contentment, which is probably closer to complacency and detachment.

This morning a memory came back to me. I remember standing on top of the side balcony after church, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even wanting to speak. I didn’t move for a long time. I remember thinking that if forever were to suddenly come upon us, trapping me in the balcony, I wouldn’t mind. I was content to sit and watch the crowd crawling below me like ants. I felt that forever had come upon me, yet it wasn’t that I felt I’d been up there a long time, only that I no longer sensed the passage of time.

I don’t remember what happened after that, but the feeling was the same as I’ve been experiencing lately. I was wearing a dress that I had given away long before the time I usually attribute as the beginning of all this strangeness, in a part of the church we haven’t used for years. This would place me at about 12, maybe 13. Long before anything like this was supposed to be happening to me.

Also, at Christmas another memory surfaced. It was triggered by the buzzing of the parking lot lights when we went to get our tree from one of those tent things. I remembered being at soccer practice years ago, and I had run off to fetch the ball after it went out of bounds. Beneath the immensely tall lamp, everything suddenly seemed so far away, further in more than just distance. They were calling my name but I didn’t answer. Then I heard quiet, urgent voices whispering in another language. I was puzzled by this, but not frightened. After what seemed like a long time, I picked up the soccer ball and went trotting back to my teammates, and forgot about the whole thing till years later.


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