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Doubting the past

June 6, 2010

I was feeling really lonely the other night. I’ve been busy with summer classes and haven’t had time to hang out with friends, so Shirley and I had been hanging out more than usual, and she had grown stronger in everyone else’s absence. There were times I could really feel her next to me, breathing, or brush up against me. I could see her bouncing curls as she shook her head or laughed. One day I noticed she had pulled away, and I protested being left alone. I could still hear her but she was far away. I began to second guess all my memories, all that I was sure about. I began to wonder if she was real or not, which made me cry. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt her close to me.

Then in a rush I remembered it had only been four hours earlier that I had seen her standing in the middle of the bookstore, so serious with her bow and arrow. She was shooting books she didn’t like, trying to make me laugh. Her presence was strong and unwavering.

I do this with more than just Shirley. Sometimes later I doubt things ever happened at all. Like if a friend and I were taking late into the night, and actually connected a little, the next morning I wonder if I imagined it. Or when God speaks to me, in his subtle, strong way, I always end up second guessing it. Did I really feel God was listening to me, teaching me, answering my prayers? Or did I imagine it? I also do this with bad feelings. If I’m really down in the dumps and then it lifts an hour or a day later, I find myself feeling guilty as if I’ve made everything up to try to be dramatic. But when I look over my diary I know it was sincere.

What does this mean for me, I wondered, if things meant to assure me had an expiration date of a few hours? Why could I forget so quickly? And I’ve actually heard a lot of people say this about God. When they experience Him interacting in their life, they second guess it later.

Maybe I should just tattoo myself every time I feel forgiven, or hear God, or fall in love, just in case I doubt it later. Haha.

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