So that was weird

May 17, 2010

I had a moment of utter hatred for everything especially myself and I felt like I’d ruined my life and there was no getting around it, and I wanted to run away and become a hermit to avoid my shame. And i’m not even entirely sure what I did to be so ashamed? I think it’s more of who I am than what I did…

I even started talking to David (you know… like King David.) and I thought he might know how it felt, or what to do. David didn’t stop praying/talking to God long enough to talk to me, but maybe that was an answer in itself.

Hearing from people from the bible isn’t the same as hearing from Shirley or Amy. It’s less direct, like Eve’s spoken to me but it’s been more murmuring than words. And with God it’s even less direct that that… it a feeling or an answer to prayer. Mostly it’s just an answer to prayer. Sometimes I worry God is mania, and I’ll lose Him when I come down.

Now that the moment has passed (and stabbed me several times on the way by) I don’t even know how long it was. Was it an hour? A half hour? Fifteen minutes? Twenty seconds? And where did it come from?… I even doubt wether or not was as bad as I’m thinking it was?

It was like: I hate everything I hate myself I’m going to become a hermit and never see my family or friends again this is for their own good. Where are the nearest train tracks? I was outside halfway down the road. If I had a place to go, you better believe I would have left and hid until I forgave myself for existing.

And all of this made total sense at the time! Now I’m kind of bewildered and back to normal.


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