Praying for things

April 30, 2010

I’ve been praying God will speak to me clearly concerning my condition… I wish I knew what to do. I keep pacing  between thoughts like “Well I’m a lot better now,” and “God help me! I’m going to die. Right now, I’m going to die!” and “I’m never going to get well.” and “Who am I to think there’s help out there for me?” and “I can’t do this on my own.” and yeah. You get the picture.

The ‘rents are no help, and the pastor who, while is very agreeable and doesn’t think I’m possessed or dangerous, also does not believe in professional help, or either he doesn’t think I’m insane, despite Shirley, Amy and the whole shebang. To tell the truth he has a daughter that is slightly psychotic at times, and I think he’s doing the whole parental denial thing. So that’s really helpful. Yeah…

But I have to remind myself, last time I prayed and praid for years. I cried out to Elohim of my loneliness, night after night praying for a true friend to stumble across my way. Years, and God knew better than anyone how much I needed someone beside me. But looking back, God was not deaf to my pleas, nor was He idle. The whole time he was teaching me things I’d need to make the friendship work, like the ability to communicate. It took years to re-learn english,  and each lesson was more agonizing than the last.

Did you know in the beginning (2007ish) the rules that appeared out of nowhere clearly forbid any kind expression of enthusiasm? No opinions were allowed on my side. If I wanted to watch a certain movie or ice cream or go somewhere, I had to act utterly indifferent. Can you imagine a friendship working like that?

Potential friend: “So, are you having fun tonight?”

Me, shrugging and avoiding a definitive answer. “It’s whatever.”

Potential friend: “…ok? Oh, I’m going to get some punch. You want some?”

Me:(expressionless) “Punch is always at these kinds of parties.”

Potential friend: “… I um. I’m going to go now.”

But seriously, even after I had learned a lot of these lessons, all last year I tried and tried but never seemed to make any friends. As far as I can tell, I’m not any less socially awkward than I was last year. I had recovered the art of communication and gained a dozen acquaintances, but I could never get past that first stage. I think I was afraid of being close, and maybe people saw the wall. On top of that, I couldn’t seem to find any like-minded people in my area. There were plenty of times I really hit it off with someone, only to find out they lived 4 hours north of here, or were from another state.

But God has been bringing people into my life that I now really don’t know what I’d do without. It’s been such a relief just to be young with someone again. To let a few things go because you’re having fun, not because you’re trembling from the effort of surviving consciousness. To be well. It’s been a long time coming, though. And I have to remember to be patient, and pray with the right kavana (hebrew word for intent. Your kavana should be for closeness with God.)

I am not unsick, but I am beginning to be well. Gloria en excelsis Deo!


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