moods and becoming mute.

April 6, 2010

This morning I got up and sat on the couch for a while, watching the carpet float first up then down while the tile floor behind it stretched and bubbled up. I have been increasingly indecisive, and I don’t feel like doing anything even though I don’t know what I would rather do instead. I find myself thinking “I don’t care.” way too often. It reminds me of the times when I would become mute for days on end. Then Amy came to me, a wispy spirit of light.

“This is not what you want.” She said sweetly.

Expressionless, I repeated in monotone, “This is not what I want.” My lips remained motionless. I was reluctant to speak aloud and reluctant to move. I idly wondered how long I’d be sitting there. Just as you can say things in your mind when you want to remain quiet, when interacting with Shirley and Amy I can do the same thing with my body.

Somewhere in the house Shirley muttered “Lobate scarps.”

I blinked, wondering what on earth she was talking about.

Amy tapped me on the shoulder and brought my attention back to her. I drifted back. “Yes dear?”

“Regolith” Shirley shouted.

“Oh.” I realized. “Shirley’s reminding me about an astronomy test…”

“You need to get up and do something. Go eat breakfast! Look at you it’s almost noon and you’ve been sitting here since ten–”

“Its spring break,” I interrupted her.

Amy leaned forward and smiled sadly at me. “Spring break only lasts a week.”  Amy presented me a cliff, and over the edge was the memory of the many days I’d spent not talking, and at the bottom were spikes of shame. It translates out to something like ‘What are you going to do if you fall into a depressive episode and all your responsibilities come crashing back down on you?’

I looked at her a minute, noticed how her hair fell down over her shoulders, somewhat obscuring her bright, clear expression. “I don’t care?”

Amy gave me a ‘don’t lie to me’ face and said, a little irritated now, “Go eat breakfast. Take a shower and you’ll feel better.”

I sat there for a while, reluctant to move, reluctant to do anything. I watched the carpet float a while longer, then slowly broke the stillness. I got up and showered, found breakfast, and gradually stirred. I am having trouble finding the proper expression to fit with each situation, though. So most the time my face remains blank. But I have been talking and moving around and getting things done, and Amy’s right I guess I feel better. This is the second day this has happened. I wonder if Amy is right, if this is a depressive episode. I hope not. Because they are such a bother.


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