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No less serious

February 17, 2010

I was never diagnosed with anorexia. But just because I never reached an underweight status on the scale doesn’t mean it was any less serious. Not eating took a huge toll on my body, and it was hard enough to escape from the mindset I had adopted at what level I had entered. Even now there are days when I find myself regressing, but I fix in my mind the consequences of sliding into self-harm tendencies. I would lose all that I’ve worked for if I went back to it.

I also want to say, just because you might not be cutting deeply, or drinking enough to be considered an alcoholic, but why are you turning there? If your motives, mindset and actions seem to suggest an addiction or dependency, it could be a problem. Not to mention, it could progress faster than you realize. Do not wait until you are in ‘deep enough’ before you get help!

Sometimes I feel like I’m not ‘sick enough’ to say I have a mental illness, but it’s a good idea to act as if I believe that. Shirley is very real to me, and so is everything I see in the other world. But the things she says are not always true. Predictions she makes are not likely. And the paranoia I have to accept as sickness, and set it aside, anxiety and mood swings are often just weather and not founded on any cause, and my core self is separate. I have to remind myself that maybe I didn’t hear the door open, didn’t hear people walking on the roof, and go back to sleep. (Usually I have to check first.) If the economy collapses into violence and food shortages, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. (Although if I had money I’d be stocking up on food lol)

Besides, if i wait till I’m lost in insanity again it’ll be a long way back. And I want to stay here in this world, because I have things I need and want to do, people who want me to stay. I need to do whatever I can to be well and live my life.

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